Lair of Lady Monster: Wedding, now longing for bedding

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Woman praying for it
It is best to know you are compatible before you rush to the alter; however, if you have already tied the knot patient communication is what you signed up for. Photo by Gisela Giardino.

Dear Lady Monster,

I am recently married (50 days). My husband showed little interest in sexual intimacy right from day one of our brief courtship. He never once tried to kiss me. When I asked him if everything was okay he sad yes.

However after marriage I was desperate. He showed no interest in undressing me/ caressing me or being remotely physical. I asked if he was gay/ disliked me/ health issues and he denied all of these.

He now claims to be not interested in sex though he did manage to have sex only once and technically the marriage is consummated. I am going mad trying to figure out what is the problem. We visited a counselor/sex therapist and he advised me to have patience.

I think that sex is really not on my husband's mind(anytime) What is your advice?

Need-it Or Soon EX

Dear No Sex,

From your brief description it appears that he was not dishonest with you about who you married.
He didn't kiss you, didn't try to have sex with you and wasn't touchy/feely. This tells me this person is not interested in being physically intimate.

Ask yourself the question, “If sex was not a priority to marry him, why is it a priority now?” Obviously you are very interested in being sexual with your husband and have put a priority on it since the wedding. Are you using sex as a bargaining chip, are you shaming your husband, making him feel inadequate or not a good husband simply because you don't share the same sexual goals?

I'm assuming it was the counselor who said you to have patience (and not your husband). I do not see that either you or your husband as patient people. Both decided to become married after a quick courtship, and to enter into therapy within the first two months of your marriage. It makes me curious what your motivation was to spend your life with this person.

Maybe you were you good friends before deciding to become married. He may not want to have sex with someone he associates with being his friend. Your husband may also need to have a longer period of getting to know you, to establish intimacy. Many people need to establish trust with their partner before having any kind of sexual relationship. Would you end your marriage solely on the basis that he is not interested in having sex so soon, and you are?

Is your husband on medication? Does he take anti-depressants? They can make a person's sex drive very low to nil. A number of health problems and medications can eliminate anyone's sex drive.

Have you spoken to him about having an open marriage? Bringing in other partners for your personal sexual fulfillment? I am only suggesting you may want to ask to have purely sexual pursuits, without becoming involved in a dating relationship outside of your marriage. Be open and honest with one another. Having an affair implies dishonesty, going behind a partner's back, lying to each of your partners (your sexual partner and your husband) about your pursuits. If it's not a question of intimacy, and needing to trust you more, and your partner just doesn't like having sex, find out his comfort level towards other partners. And, be willing to stop if it begins to make him uncomfortable.

Within the past two months, you have had sex once. Would your husband agree to stating that the marriage was not consummated in order to reach an agreement for an annulment?

An annulment can be granted for any length of time of marriage, but the husband and wife must agree that one of about six (depends on the state) elements were present during the marriage. One of them is one of the spouses must be impotent. However, with this element, the marriage can only be less than two years old (again, depends on the state where you were married). However, an annulment means no alimony, no settlement, no child support, no property from either party. It will be as if the marriage never existed.

My advice to everyone is to have sex with someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, before marriage. This is especially important if having a good sex life is important to you. Perhaps you and your husband are best of friends and just want to have a marriage based on friendship, then sex wouldn't necessarily enter into the marriage. Each of you have to decide if marriage is the right step for you.

The idea of marriage may be romantic, but it's also legally binding you both into a special status. As same-sex partners have fought for so hard these many years, it is a precious and important right, privilege and a sacred union. A lot of thought, discussion, challenges are weighed before carrying out the heavy decision to become as one. It is not just weighty for the type of commitment you are choosing to enter, but it's also a legal decision. Your relationship becomes a legal contract. You sign a marriage license, names are changed, different tax and benefit laws apply to your married status. In order to terminate the marriage, you also have to terminate the contract. Either make your marriage special or leave it to people that want all of the benefits, status and romance that marriage brings.

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If you have a question or a topic you would like to have covered in this column,
please go to: http://ladymonstersex.info and click on the link for the Google form.
Both options are 100% anonymous. Thank you.

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